This week I had my fourth session with my relationship coach Sheila Paxton.? On the agenda was a strengths inventory that was designed to get me to understand the ways in which I am a ?catch? and would make someone a great romantic partner.? Since confidence is one of my strengths, it wasn?t difficult for me to do this exercise.? In fact, I had already written a blog post about what I liked most about myself, so I based it on that.? When re-reading the post, however, I realized that I should add much of that information to my online dating profile.? As soon as I did, some new men showed interest in me, so I suppose I can say that Sheila?s exercise has already paid off.
However, what I found most provocative about our session was our discussion about how my understanding of my strengths shapes my relationships with others.? I know that I am strong, smart, grounded, and emotionally aware.? I am a very competent and self-sufficient woman.? I confessed to Sheila that I often struggle in my relationships with men because it is really easy for me to take the initiative and be the assertive one.? There are many dating experts (and my friends included) who believe that men are the ones who should play that role, not women.? That has always felt uncomfortable to me, both personally and ideologically.? Sheila encouraged me to reach out to men online (or in real life) and ask them out.? She thought that was a great idea, but she did think that once we did have a first date, I should be patient and wait for them to reciprocate.? I immediately pounced on her word ?patient? because it made much more sense to me than the other word that I was associating with this action, which is ?passive.?? I have always had a rebellious feminist streak in me that disdains the social norms of female passivity in the face of male initiative.? In fact, I have basically resisted the concept of gender roles in general.? In my mind, each gender should be free to adopt or pursue any role that he or she sees fit.
However, Sheila placed this into a new context for me.? Instead of seeing it as a gender imperative, she pointed out that it is important that I teach others how I want to be treated.? If I always take the initiative, as I have done in a few of my past relationships, I send the subtle message that I like that role, when what I really want is a partner who will also take the lead.? As she was saying this, I realized that this dynamic is not only present in my romantic interactions, but also in parenting and friendship as well.? For example, I haven?t really taught my kids basic household chores like setting or clearing the table, cleaning up, or making snacks for themselves.? It is so easy for me to just do those things for them, and I know that they will be done quickly and well, if I do them.? So my strength and competence are both wonderful attributes and liabilities because they sometimes don?t allow others a way to give to me.
So my new goal is to think about what message my actions are sending, how I am teaching others to treat me.? My first step starts with my kids.? I have been encouraging them to pitch in more, and they have been responding well (with the occasional grumbling of course).? Sheila also gave me the homework of allowing my dates to do ?more? in some way, shape, or form.? The first thing that came to mind was the way that I lead the conversation on most of my dates by asking them lots of questions about themselves.? I often leave dates disappointed that the men have not asked more about me, but I have to admit that I often don?t offer them much time and space to do so.? So I have to let them ask more questions.
In addition, I am trying to be mindful or intentional about how my actions subtly reinforce behaviors that I don?t want to support, like my children sitting on their butts and asking me to wait on them.? Or a friend of mine who often overreacts in anger towards me, while I plead for forgiveness even when I know I have done nothing wrong just because I want to keep the peace.? On the flip side, my discussion with Sheila also has me examining the relationships that are going well, and how my actions have positively contributed to that.? In other words, Sheila is certainly living up to her title as relationship coach because the insights I have made are not just applicable to romance.
So, my friends, I now invite your input.? Do you properly acknowledge your positive attributes?? Are there places in which your strengths can also be weaknesses?? Are there any relationships in your life in which your actions are subtly teaching others to treat you in a way you might not want to be treated?? Do tell?
Related posts:
- My First Foray into Dating
- One Woman?s Trash is Another Woman?s Treasure
- I Now Have a Relationship Coach
- I am Mad?at Myself
- Past, Present, and Future
Source: http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com/1964/a-womans-role-in-dating/
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